How does the mother of an ex-micropreemie come to the decision to have another baby? That has been an extremely difficult question to answer. I decided to share my story, because I found help through the dark tunnel partly by reading other blogs by women who made the decision. In particular, I found it helpful to read blogs by women with kids about the same age as Alden and with the same types of lingering medical issues.
Jennifer and
Mom of 24 Weeker were very helpful. It might be a different story if Alden had severe, long-lasting problems. I have read those blogs too, and that decision is even more difficult for many women... many of whom decide to not go through another pregnancy. I suppose that to the mother of a healthy, full-term infant, Alden DOES have lingering, severe issues. But it is all relative, isn't it?
So when mother nature came calling at our door, spiking those You-Must-Procreate-Now hormones, we weren't sure how to handle it. Alden was just barely two, and I was terrified to risk having another preemie. As I dug deeper, I realized that my biggest fear was more related to my uncertainly if I would be strong enough to handle the guilt, stress, trauma, etc. Knowing that I could have prevented another person being born prematurely would surely induce a guilt-ridden coma. I couldn't even consider having another baby until I could deal with the fear.
We decided to first go the practical route -- it would be good to know exactly what our risks are so we know exactly what to be afraid of. So in June of this year we built up the courage to visit an OB (Dr. Weidel) that came to me highly recommended from a friend of mine (also a nurse) who, after having a preemie with another doc, carried two near-term (35 week) pregnancies with Dr. Weidel. This doctor was recommended to her by her doctor-friend who also had full-term pregnancy-after-preemie. Dr. Weidel was very positive at our preconception visit. She stated that our risk of having another preemie, without intervention, would be about 50%. But with interventions such as CLOSE monitoring, possible bedrest at the first sign of danger, and
p17 injections starting at 16 weeks, our risk would decrease to that of the "average" woman. We got the "yellow light" -- proceed with caution. She also referred us to a
Perinatologist,who she would partner with for my care. The Perinatololist was also very positive that she could "get us past 26 weeks," but was less certain of full-term, given that Alden was born so extremely early. She said that while it is true that studies show I would have an average risk, it is her experience that women who have the history of extremely early births don't often make it to full-term, which is 37 weeks or more. She added that 35 or 36 weeks, which are technically preterm, would still be really great. So we left that appointment with the same yellow-lightish feeling. We had the go-ahead from the best doctors we could find. Hubby was ready, I said I was too. But my heart still held the fear-factor.
So we started "trying" in July. The doctors were fine with it, hubby was fine with it, I didn't think it could get anymore clear. But I was still very scared. We continued to "try" in August, then September...
I am not a very religious person, but I do find myself to be spiritual. So I just put it "Out There," that I wanted to know how to cope with fear, which is a good skill no matter what decision you make. I also asked for a very clear answer if having another baby would be the best thing for our family.
Mom of 24 Weeker said, "You know in you're heart..." but how could it ever be THAT clear??
It can. The next part might not make sense to anyone but me.. but here it is... I was meditating in bed one night in September and I started to think about my grandmother. My mother's older sister died at the age of 16 from Polio. My grandmother, in her mind, could pinpoint the infection back to when she let her daughter drink from a water fountain in a park and had a sinking feeling that was not a good idea. She never forgave herself for that. Ever. She lived with a constant feeling of anxiety, guilt, and suffering. As I meditated on her image and felt the depth of her grief, I started to feel myself speaking to her, "Forgive yourself, you have to forgive yourself!" I felt myself start to cry and shake, as I heard my own voice, far away, crying out, "Forgive me! Please, please forgive me!" I realized that internal voice had been begging for forgiveness for the last 2.5 years. My sobbing and shaking were completely uncontrollable at this point, I just let it all out: "Of course I forgive myself! Of course!" And suddenly I stopped crying as a wave of peace washed over me. It was as though I had been given a powerful medicine. As I sat there in peace, I suddenly found all of my lifetime grudges (yes, I had grudges, I'm not perfect) wash away through a domino effect. Bam, bam, bam, I could forgive -- truly forgive for perhaps the first time ever. And then a new, most profound sense began to swell within me. I had always heard about it, yet never quite understood or felt it before. Faith. I was being filled with Faith. Faith in myself, faith in my family, faith in the future. You have faith when you truly believe that no matter what happens, you will be alright. Because you can forgive yourself, others, and the world. It hit me: I know in my heart that I can have a baby after having a preemie. We can give it another whirl.
I started charting my cycle in October, and in November, the day after Thanksgiving, I discovered my pregnancy.
